haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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