Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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