I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
