I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
