Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
