Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
