eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
