we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
