Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
