got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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