you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
