I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
