She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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