She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
