Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
