At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
