I skipped work to stalk him.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
