I think my fart just growled at me.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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