I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
