i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
