my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
