You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
