dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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