Where is the hickey?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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