I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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