i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
