There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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