I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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