John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
