have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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