Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
