I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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