dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
