Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
