I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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