and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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