i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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