You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
