Barsexuality is the new black.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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