not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
