I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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