my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
