so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
