In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
