oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am naked and annoyed.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
