I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
