After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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