Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
