omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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