Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
