When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
