I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
