i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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